Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Sun, The Son, & My Son: A poem by Alberta

Dear Survivor,

The Sun, The Son, & My Son

My ambition is locked inside of me
ever since that night...roughly 19 months ago.
The night of fog, violation, and denial.
My eyes of naivety wouldn't see the world again after them.
It was the night a tree of deep rooted pain was planted.
It blossomed with friends turning to strangers,
cold doctor visits, class withdrawals,
social triggers, disbelieving public officials,
therapy, and complete distrust.
Grim couldn't pull my love down.
I refused unforgiveness.
Choosing love, choosing love again, choosing life.
For them, for me, for him...My son...
would see the world for the first time.

I kept dusting my lenses, looking for my passion.
Holding hope in hope...
Looking for the parts of me that had been lost,
in the parts of me that couldn't find them.
Confidence in those who were there for me, but didn't care for me,
became more reasons to walk alone.
Strangers glares asked all the wrong questions I had no answers to.
The sun, the Son and my son became my only reasons to smile.

I have cried many tears behind dark shower curtains.
No matter how often I see him.... still... I miss my baby.
I will never stop loving.

Time is a slow medicine.
My mind doesn't process the words of men as possible truths
because Promises grow dim when lit with lying sincerity.
The Healing process has stop and go buttons,
and I've been pressing stop.
I'm tired of having to heal.
I am young. I don't have time for this.
I am sure that's been said before.

My heart has grown heavy.
Writing stopped.
Because when I write, the truth burns.
The most between 3 and 4 am.
I know I'll never feel my body is the same.
Even though my spirit remains unchanged.
I am not depressed. I'm thankful to be alive.
But I am stuck.
It happens to a lot of people
but I didn't think it would happen to me.
“You're so strong!” They tell me.
I don't believe anyone anymore.
The moon is strong.
I'm just working to crawl out from behind her.
And Shine with the most authentic joy.
I can't stop loving
nor wondering what it's all for.
I can't stop being inspired ,
even though I've been rewired.

One day, I'll stop looking back.
I'll hold someones hand without being terrified.
I'll know my future is now, and not tomorrow,
and that no circumstance is without a lesson.
No period of time is without a blessing,
And my story, will change lives...
as soon as I can figure out how to change mine.

Love and Light ~Alberta

Sunday, January 13, 2013

To The World: Rhetorical Questions

Dear Survivor,
How do you tell THE WORLD that just because you are smiling it doesn't mean you are okay?
How do you tell the world that HEALING is not just something you can see on the outside but something you have to actively do on the INSIDE?
How do you tell the world that you may look like you're moving on but inside your heart is still BROKEN?
How do you tell the world? And even if YOU COULD what good would it do.
How do you tell the world what it feels like to carry a BABY for 9 months, give birth and then be SEPERATED.
How do you tell the world how much it hurts? How much you learn, how much it CHANGES you...
How do you tell the world that the most humbling thing is knowing you are doing all you can and it's still NOT ENOUGH?
How do you tell the world it's not YOUR FAULT?
How do you tell the world whats it's like to walk down the street in constant paranoia of WHO you may see? what they might do.
How do you tell the world what it feels like to wake up every day feeling like you're STANDING still?
How do you tell the world that your attacker is still out there and you can't shake the FEAR?
How do you tell tell the world sometimes you wonder if it would be better if you weren't AROUND.
How do you tell the world what BETRAYAL+The-Hardest-year-of-your-life truly feels like?
How do you tell the world that what happened to you was UNAVOIDABLE and that where you are is just THE RESULT of that truth?
How do you tell the world that assuming the best in everyone is the best you can do but also the most VULNERABLE thing?
How do you tell the world they don't understand...and that thats okay but that they could CHOOSE LOVE anyway?
How do you tell the world that judgment, ANGER, hate, THE EGO, disrespect, and unforgivness are their WORST ENEMIES?
How do you tell the world that 'Thank you','I AM SORRY', and 'I love you' are the most POWERFUL words you can ever say.
How do you tell the world you have Gratitude, Love, and LIGHT overflowing for others if they will only ACCEPT IT?
How do you tell the world that you are nothing and non-existant without the divine but through him you continue to LIVE?
How do you tell the world that if they FEEL even one of these things I want to speak to them and FOR THEM?
How do I TELL THE WORLD all of these things? I don't know. But I am telling you now world. I can't make you LISTEN, but I am speaking to YOU.


Love and Light

Thursday, January 10, 2013

You are you

Dear Survivor,
You ARE you. You will never be the you you used to be and that is okay. You are stronger. You are healing. You are a survivor. You are more beautiful than ever before. You are more inspiring than ever before. You are incredible. The you you are today is the you on the journey to an amazing future. I am so proud of the you you are today. I am sending so much peace and positive energy to you. I am sending you all the happiness and hope your heart can hold today and every day that follows. Celebrate you and how far you HAVE come! Enjoy yourself because you deserve every joy.
Love and Light

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

It's all up to you

Dear Survivor,
Remember is who you are inside that is the most important and most beautiful thing. The best thing about that is that YOU CHOOSE just how beautiful that woman is. Your attackers have nothing to do with that. They may have taken your power once and missed you but now you can decide what you do with your body which is the temple of your beautiful and ever surviving soul! It's all up to you !
Love and Light

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Create Your Future

Dear Survivor,
When All the world feels like it's standing still and unmoving....when you feel invisible and alone and unimportant...when you feel left behind, tattered, used, or broken...remember and take heart in this: The one thing constant in the world is change. No matter where you've been or what you've been through in 2012, time is moving, time is changing, our world is changing, and we can join forces with this change and actively participate in creating a brighter future for ourselves, choosing love above hate, forgiveness above revenge, gratitude above negativity, and faith above fear. We have the strength to take our power back into our own hands and paint the future we want for ourselves and for the world. Stand up. Stand Tall. Live another day. Live another week, another month, another year, and show the world how much survivors can do when they choose to heal and impower themselves and others.

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has" ~Margaret Mead

Love and Light

Saturday, December 29, 2012

To those who have been raped twice

Dear Survivor,
I am so sorry this happened to you not only once but twice. My dear, this isn't your fault. Just because it happened more than once doesn't mean you had any idea what was going to happen. SO many people are raped multiple times and it is still never the victims fault. You will get through this. You can get through this. You can build yourself up again and learn the tools you need to keep yourself safe. Be patient with yourself. Don't give up. You are strong enough to push forward. you survived before, you are already surviving again and I am here to help you and pray for you and send all the Love and Light in my heart. )))love, love, LOVE(((
Love and Light

A Man Deserving

Dear Survivor,
Any man who truly deserves you will
1)Believe your story
2)Be understanding of your triggers and
3) Love you unconditionally regardless.
These things make take time to see though because our partners probably will need some time for this to all sink in. No one is perfect but I think you know and will know in your heart what is best for you. Trust yourself. Remember the rape was not your fault and that You are deserving of love. What happened does not make your dirty or easy or slutty or only makes you a SURVIVOR. A STRONG WOMAN. A BEAUITIFUL SOUL and A Women who still controls her OWN DIGNITY and DESTINY. Sending you so much love for yourself and for the world!!!
Love and Light

We will be heard

Dear survivor,
So many of us live knowing our attackers are still walking around in the world scott free.This is why our voices must be heard. Laws need to change to protect the attacked instead of the attackers, and the collective conscience of our society needs to be adjusted so that we understand how to prevent these horrible crimes from happening in the first place. There is much work to be done, but our stories our powerful and our voices WILL be heard.
Love and Light

Thursday, December 27, 2012

From Denial to Power

Dear Survivor,
It is normal to want to fall into state of denial. It IS a lot to deal with and it IS exhausting and it IS a lot of work. There is a saying I recently read though and it says"Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world" I love it because it is such a good reminder for me that this world may have a lot wrong with it, and my attackers may be bad people, but I do not want them to have the power over me anymore. I have the power. You have the power to decide where you go from here. You have the strength to pull yourself out of this and move forward. You can make the decision to heal yourself and inform the world how amazing you are! Because you are a survivor!
Love and Light

Monday, December 24, 2012

Life Purpose

Dear Survivor,
Remember you have a life purpose. You are here for a reason. Don't give up, these hard times are building your character. You matter. You matter to people you don't even know yet. You matter to me. I am sending you all the love and Light in heart.

Holidays are still hotline days

Dear Survivor,
It makes sense to feel like you should be happy on a day like Christmas. But if you aren't happy there is a reason for that and I want you to know that it is okay to be sad. Allow yourself to feel whatever you have to feel. Don't convince yourself that you have to feel better just because it's Christmas or any other holiday. Rape knows no bounds and the pain we get from it knows no holidays. Calling a hotline may help or even typing to a IM online if that would make you more comfortable.Sometimes it really helps just to have someone to listen.
Love and Light

Don't Jump-Live

Dear Survivor,
Don't do any crazy jumping! You have too much beautiful life ahead of you. Do not allow this difficult time to define you. You are so much bigger than what has happened to you!!! If this is any comfort...the one thing constant in the world is CHANGE. So when things feel bad remember things are still evolving and things CAN get better, just have faith. It is okay to feel what you are feeling but allow those feelings to come and then allow them to go. Feelings serve no purpose but to move things through you and release them.
Love and Light

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

You are Beautiful

Dear Survivor,
To the eyes of the sociopaths that have attacked us, there is no logic. There is no rhyme or reason for the victims they choose. They are like animals, viewing their victims as prey. It has nothing to do with how you look, how you dress, how you act , or how you speak. They want you to believe that but it isn't true. You could be the most 'beautiful' woman in the world walking down the street naked and still no one has the right to touch you. As survivors we have to stand TALL and STRONG and remember that beauty and curves are a gift not a curse, and anyone who has come against us and violated our sacred beauty is the one who has something wrong with them. We are not intended to be attacked, but admired. We are not intended to be abused but adored. and we are not intended to be accused but believed. It is not your fault. You are beautiful and that is a good thing. Their hearts are ugly and that is a bad thing. You will spring forth into the world with resilience and strength and beauty and we, your sisters and brothers will praise your journey!
Love and light to you!