Dear Survivor,
The Sun, The Son, & My Son
10/20/2013
My ambition is locked inside of me
ever since that night...roughly 19 months ago.
The night of fog, violation, and denial.
My eyes of naivety wouldn't see the world again after them.
It was the night a tree of deep rooted pain was planted.
It blossomed with friends turning to strangers,
cold doctor visits, class withdrawals,
social triggers, disbelieving public officials,
therapy, and complete distrust.
Grim couldn't pull my love down.
I refused unforgiveness.
Choosing love, choosing love again, choosing life.
For them, for me, for him...My son...
would see the world for the first time.
I kept dusting my lenses, looking for my passion.
Holding hope in hope...
Looking for the parts of me that had been lost,
in the parts of me that couldn't find them.
Confidence in those who were there for me, but didn't care for me,
became more reasons to walk alone.
Strangers glares asked all the wrong questions I had no answers to.
The sun, the Son and my son became my only reasons to smile.
I have cried many tears behind dark shower curtains.
No matter how often I see him.... still... I miss my baby.
I will never stop loving.
Time is a slow medicine.
My mind doesn't process the words of men as possible truths
because Promises grow dim when lit with lying sincerity.
The Healing process has stop and go buttons,
and I've been pressing stop.
I'm tired of having to heal.
I am young. I don't have time for this.
I am sure that's been said before.
My heart has grown heavy.
Writing stopped.
Because when I write, the truth burns.
The most between 3 and 4 am.
I know I'll never feel my body is the same.
Even though my spirit remains unchanged.
I am not depressed. I'm thankful to be alive.
But I am stuck.
It happens to a lot of people
but I didn't think it would happen to me.
“You're so strong!” They tell me.
I don't believe anyone anymore.
The moon is strong.
I'm just working to crawl out from behind her.
And Shine with the most authentic joy.
I can't stop loving
nor wondering what it's all for.
I can't stop being inspired ,
even though I've been rewired.
One day, I'll stop looking back.
I'll hold someones hand without being terrified.
I'll know my future is now, and not tomorrow,
and that no circumstance is without a lesson.
No period of time is without a blessing,
And my story, will change lives...
as soon as I can figure out how to change mine.
Love and Light ~Alberta
